Twice Baked Movies

Trees Trees All Around

2009-10-19T00:53:00.003-04:00

Woa, this video got way cropped because Blogger expects me to be an HTML genius or something. I was going to try to fix it, but this animation is such a godawful fuckball of messiness that I think it might look better this way. I would say "enjoy" but, you'd have to be pretty confused to enjoy this.

That is a Yarmulke Tan Line

2009-04-28T23:20:00.003-04:00

Only the Chosen domes shall be blessed with these sacred markings.

Stupid.

2009-04-27T23:03:00.004-04:00

Mexico: #1 cause of death among Catholic school girls.

Think of the Churn

2009-04-25T20:05:00.003-04:00

Do kids dare to dream any more?

A recent study concluded that 98% of kids under the age of 7 frequently have anxiety nightmares in which they're unable to move, wedged in the middle of 8,000,000 people frantically stumbling over each other as a tower of salt water crashes down on them.

Meanwhile, a set of case studies conducted by a private citizen named Howard unearths an aquifer of existential angst feeding Florida's kids aged 4-11. One girl interviewed by Howard and his team described feeling unbearably sad during summer evenings when the sun would take a long time to set and everything would get all orangey and warm. "My friends and I have this thing where we lie on our stomachs, spread out our arms like this and kiss the ground hundreds of time," the girl tells Howard. Several of the young kids Howard observed displayed similar grieving behavior, and performed what Howard calls "moping rituals."

Compared to a similar study conducted in 1997, the children in 2009 overwhelmingly chose to stay home after school and look at the sky with their hands cupped around their eyes like binoculars, focusing on a specific star for hours on end. A boy referred to as "P" summed it up by saying "This is not fair at all."

Looking Good Ladies

2009-04-17T19:01:00.001-04:00

by Pinchardo Ramon

Master Child Hand

2009-04-15T15:13:00.001-04:00

An Important Message About Matters of the Self

2009-03-10T01:13:00.000-04:00

"I've begun to notice an alarming trend at the workplace and that is the trend of not washing one's feet. With the economy what it is, many people have opted out of directly washing their feet, instead letting the sudsy water from their washed bellies drip over their feet, and somehow deciding that that is clean enough. Well I'm here to tell you that I don't care what the DOW Jones Industrial average says-- Wash your damn feet. Every evening when I shower and wash my hair, I take special care to slide my bar of ivory soap up and down the length of my feets, taking special care to wedge the bar between each of my toes in turn, and taking extra special care to grip it hard enough with my foot fist so that I can wriggle the soap bar around vigorously without it falling. After doing so, I will dab a nice amount of Garnier Fructis conditioner onto the roof of the foot to make it smell nice. Then I will dry the feet with a separate towel first, and the rest of my body second.

Now, I know times are tough and getting tougher. But if we can't hold fast to the few social courtesies that make us human, then we are liable to turn into the worst kind of ogres."

An Important Message About Snow

2009-03-10T00:16:00.000-04:00

"Please stop putting your cigarettes out in the snow. Children play in the snow. When you put your cigarette out in the snow, you make it dangerous for children to play in it!

Snow is made up of hundreds of tiny water drops that have fallen and stuck to each other to form beautiful miniature mountains and hills of snow. When you put your cigarette out in the snow, you melt a lot of those droplets and you can create a hole in the snow and you can ruin it. The only acceptable way to mess up the snow is by walking on it if you absolutely have to, but even this is frowned upon.

If you see someone putting their cigarette out in the snow, I hope you go up to them and say "The snow is not your ashtray, you know." Because I would. And I have.

You know...

Most of us would never in a million years put out our cigarettes in artificial snow, so why then do I continue to see people putting their cigarettes out in the real snow without a second thought?

It's something to think about. Please pass this message along to everyone you've met."

Prune Hamentashen

2009-03-10T00:05:00.000-04:00

Make Kids Think Dinosaurs Are Awesome: Right Way/Wrong Way

2009-03-04T22:03:00.000-05:00

Right Way:

Wrong Way:

Apple Picking

2009-03-03T23:15:00.001-05:00

by Pinchardo Ramon

LEAKED CELEBRITY NUDE SHOT

2009-03-03T00:24:00.000-05:00

Of Gonzo!

2012 Came Early

2009-02-24T00:02:00.000-05:00

Unless some clever ProTool is fooling everyone, a new song by The Beatles was discovered and released on the internet this week.

No, not some remix or mashup, and no, not even some scratchy chopped up bootleg, but a whole, purposely recorded and mixed track- the original unedited "Revolution" from the White Album. This version includes the 7 minutes of pure transcendent happiness and mayhem recorded during that session that followed what you hear on the White Album. The jam was ultimately edited out of the album, presumably because it was too long and 'Piggies' wouldn't fit.

I have no idea how or why this amazing mana from Allah has surfaced now in 2009. I'm a strictly no-hocus-pocus guy, but I do occasionally lavish in the mind-trick of 'seeing' the cosmic meaning in the right thing at the right time. This song melted me into a blubbering lump of joy before rapturing me to John and Paul heaven. I feel reborn.

Update: It looks like EMI took down the video, pretty much proving it's real. Email me and I'll send you the high quality mp3.

Update: I'm a not cool kind of nerd.

Marvin Goes Yo Yo Loco

2009-01-29T21:54:00.001-05:00

Way to go, Assholes.

2009-01-24T22:58:00.001-05:00

"Like $ave you money, not $ave you from the sinking wreckage of the plane you paid us to fly on. Don't be confused by the picture of a downed airplane on our advertisement for plane trips."

Enter Far Rockaway

2009-01-23T22:40:00.000-05:00

Tiny-Screw You Apple

2008-12-13T03:27:00.000-05:00

I own a 15in MacPook Bro and an iPod, so I've already given way too much money to Steven H. Jobs (and therefore, by the law of trickles, too much pocket change to all the Certified-Goober Mac Geniuses milling around Macstoria Mall).

Earregardless, Steve H. Jobs has been using little strategies like TotalMediaSaturation, MarketPwnership, and PlannedObsolescence to get me to really just want to give him more money.

And the truth is, my iPod, named Lamont, has seen better days.

Despite a childhood tussle with a keyed up set of keys that left his face permanently scarred, Lamont never had any serious health problems until very recently. Then early this year, he started having trouble reproducing consistent stereo output. I tried to ignore the problem by pushing his plug to the side when I listened to him. Stereo sound would momentarily pop back into both ears, as if nothing were wrong. It seemed to work...for a while.

After a few months, we stopped ignoring the signs. A string of tests revealed that an internal failure to his headphone jack had caused him to go deaf in one earbud. No matter how much I wiggled and tilted his jack, I'd never hear sound in both ears again. The news dealt a serious blow to our relationship. Lamont hardly left the house. I started taking my old friend Book E. Books out on romantic train rides into the city. Then Lamont started falling behind on his podcasts. Sometimes he'd go days, weeks, without a charge. Funny smells wafted from his case.

I don't like to admit this, but it was around this time I started browsing websites where men go

to read about and discuss iPhones. I was hooked. It was easy for me to imagine that everything would be better if I just came home one day with a new iPhone. Lamont could go live with Grandma or Grandpa, you know, someplace he could feel like some mysterious futuristic gizmo again.

And then, just when I was prepared to break a meaningful 5 year contract with Sprint, I got the news. Lamont had been diagnosed with testicular cancer.

Almost immediately, the fog of toy lust and desire lifted. All I could think about was fixing Lamont, and I started making calls. Apple said they'd happily stand behind their product, and that I could happily ship Lamont to Cooperteeno, CA and they'd fix him right up for the low-low price of a bajillion dollars. I'm willing to spend 3o dollars, tops. A local repairman told me "No problem. I fix. Special recession price $49." I was desperate; I channeled Erin Brockovich and I said "Just give me the part and I'll install it myself, thank you very much!" (I've never seen Erin Brockovich, but it seems like she had that kind of sleeves rolled up attitude).

.........

The procedure lasted what seemed like all night. Of course I had never seen Lamont's insides, and the sight was shocking to say the least. When I pried him open, tendrils of green ribbon stretched between his halves like gum stretching between shoe and sidewalk. The number 57LH was mysteriously scrawled in black marker on the inside of his back. I fought back the rising queasiness; it was time to focus.

You may not know this, but the screws that hold the insides of an iPod together are actually microscopic. You cannot pick them up and manipulate them with your fingers to attach them to the screwdriver. That would be impossible. They are far too small for that. In fact, the only way to place a loose iPod screw back into it's proper socket is to lay it flat on the table, then mash your thumb into it so the tiny screw is partially imbedded in your thumb flesh. Then you dangle it over the tiny hole you want to screw it into and gently jiggle your thumb so it falls free. If it lands incorrectly over the hole, do not try to pick it up with your fingers to realign it. That would be impossible. Simply shake out the whole contraption until the tiny screw falls to the table and then repeat steps 1-6.

At some point during the hours of fruitless mini-screwing I recalled a story Lamont had told me about the tiny Chinese girls who put him together when he was a baby. I imagined them gripping the screws with two gloved hands and thrusting their weight into twisting it in. This thought cheered me up.

.........

When it was over, Lamont had the troublesome testicle removed, and a new one soldered in tight. We danced all night. We've never been closer.

So what lesson can you take from this story? Fuck Apple. Fuck them hard. I'm not going to buy a new iPod just because mine looks old and shitty compared to every other homeless person on the subway. And I'm also not going to buy a new one just because Steve HJ designed mine with a shitty headphone jack that conveniently stops working after 3 years. I'm going to pry his precious little space pod open and install my own tiny custom testicles. What now Steve?

Hard Times Call For...

2008-12-08T21:01:00.000-05:00

Wise purchase, Grandma.

I'm Just Going to Have to Deal With It

2008-12-08T00:11:00.000-05:00

Last night the tiny knob-twisters in my brainstem projected a World Rocking Nightmare onto the big screen at the local Sleepy Time Theater.

It started dream logically enough. I was riding a two-humped Argentine camelback through the desert whilst keeping refreshed in large part by the part-spider part-pie crumb childservants marching in straightlines all the way from the sagging sac on my back, over my shoulder, across my clavicle, and directly into the corner of my mouth. They tasted like wildberry Gushers but more liquidy and less uzi.

BUT THEN! ' Oye, Starboard!' The Argentine suggested. And to my right was an enormous Enormous enormous orange and white chihuahua. I lifted my gaze 17ft up, directly into the black globes of her giant wet eyes. They swiveled in their monstrous apple-shaped enclosure. She looked familiar.

"It is I, Shary." The ground shook with her voice and the Argentine camelback's knees buckled momentarily.

A burning bubble shot up my throat and I wept completely. I could feel

the atoms in my body start to lose interest in each other and float aimlessly farther apart.

"Do not cry, Aaron." Her voice was warm, "Listen to me, you must spay and also, simultaneously, neuter your pets."

"But Shary, I know Not what this means!!"

The chihuahua sphinx made a yipping sound that was indistinguishable from laughter, then

curled her mighty tail and ejected from her anus a poop the size and density of an Algonquin dugout. It landed with a heart-jolting THUD that caused me to jerk upright in my sweat-soaked bed.

Let Me See Here...

2008-09-23T21:14:00.001-04:00

Human-machine cyborg GrampaBot 2000 does his morning prayers.

I Gotcher Wrinkles!

2008-09-20T21:24:00.000-04:00

I submitted this to The Colbert Report for the "Make McCain Exciting-Green Screen Challenge."

And Speaking of Stupid Movies

2008-09-09T22:49:00.000-04:00

The Adventures of....MI CRO CHIP MAN!

(the theme song is definitely copyrighted so don't fuck widdis)

Life's Utterly Expected Changes

2008-09-09T20:11:00.000-04:00

Well I moved from McAllen, TX to Far Rockaway, NY, thus neutralizing the effect of my father's Western Migration. New York regained its lost Raffman and its hunger is satiated-- for now.

In other news, I have erected a monument to Me and it's called Aaronraff.com.

All of my animated movies are on there and I will post all future animated movies to that website. That means that this blahg is changing its emission statement: It is now a repository for stupid movies that I wouldn't want to be on my official website.

Wall in m'heart

2008-08-03T14:50:00.000-04:00

A Fuckin Bargain from Aaron Raff on Vimeo.

A Napa Ties Her

2008-07-16T02:50:00.000-04:00

Way back when I was in college and the whole world was Before me, I spent hours a pawn hours making an experimental movie of questionable usabilitude. Now I'm out of college and the world is After me and instead of running from it, I'm going to hide under a blanket and quickly start reminiscing about back when I was in college: starting with the posting of this Excerpt from my Thesis movie (see Poster below). Please, Enjoy.

Crappy Meal from Aaron Raff on Vimeo.

Thesis Film Screening

2008-04-25T18:24:00.000-04:00

White House Press Briefing

2008-04-02T04:25:00.000-04:00

Wow. Just wow. Can you believe these lies they are feeding us?

Highs In the Low 20s With a 100% Chance of Spencer

2008-01-19T05:21:00.000-05:00

This trucktoon was created using digital chimera pics, Gloogle Earth, porno magazines, and Spencer's delickcious white ass-loaves. I scan't imagine a more tastefulless mixture.

A Fall Sends Off Security from Aaron Raff on Vimeo.

"Women Want Me; Men Want to BE Me"

2007-10-11T05:06:00.000-04:00

Me:
Camouflage-print button down says 'I'm Friday-night-services classy with a touch of urban flair.' Buttoned all the way up, of course. Little puff around the wrists to add some bulk and give my arms the illusion of robust musculature. Timeless black jeans capped with the anti-establishment sneakers look which I definitely wore to rebel against societal norms and not because I cried when my mom said I have to wear loafers. Top it off with an impeccable side part and, correct me if I'm wrong, but I think we've got what the ladies call a 'must-fuck.'

Jeremy:
Tragically underdeveloped runt of a boy. Tried to compensate with a stylish faux-tattoo on the back of his hand, but...sorry, I'm not feelin it. At least he can find comfort in the fact that his enormous ears grant him the power of echolocation.

Ivy:
It's bad enough that Bozo the Clown decided to trip on acid and barf all over her dress, but does she really have to have only one leg? Why God? Why?

Mom:
Beautiful; classy as always. But why the close-fisted shoulder touch? Is she not proud of her oldest son? Have I not made you...proud?.......Mother?

Emophilia

2007-10-06T04:24:00.000-04:00

Consumer Reports Pt. 1: Commercials Went SO Commercial, I Don't Even Watch Them Anymore

2007-09-18T22:22:00.000-04:00

Watch this instead.

Consumer Reports Pt. 2: Weiner Enlargement

2007-09-18T17:21:00.001-04:00

It’s a common experience for every man of the new millennium: you open your e-mail inbox only to be bombarded with several promising offers to safely enlarge your tiny penis with a bottle of pills or a soothing cream (that in retrospect always turns out to be more tingly than soothing). Sadly, with the advent of advanced spam-blockers and e-mail filters, these valuable offers are arriving fewer and farther between. So, in the new market void, where’s a short-shafted consumer to turn to when its time to reclaim what God has so masochistically denied him?

Well, thank your lucky nubs, folks, because in America, happiness is always a purchase away, and with the help of this handy guide, you’ll find the penis enlargement solution that fits you best (if not your partner, wink).

Enzyte©
"Pimp!": This little purple pill has all-natural ingredients like ginkgo biloba and “Swedish flower pollen extract” so you know it really works.
"Limp.": Side-effects include looking like a creepy wax person and hearing a delightful musical ditty whistling inside your head, on repeat, every second of every day.

Hummer© H2©
"Massive!": 2-Tons of unleaded compensation.
"Flaccid.": Side-effects include causing the Earth to wilt and disintegrate, covering the Moon with a fine layer of dust.

Quizno’s© Black Angus Steak©
"Man-o!": In the commercial, an Asian man points and laughs at Subway’s competing sandwich, and says “Where’s the meat? I can’t see the meat!” Fuck that. Gimme that biggity big ole black angus.
"Nano.": High in trans-fat.

Bowflex©
"Lumberjack!": Ever see a clown stick a floppy balloon on a helium nozzle and blow that sucker up? Same concept. It even works on women!
"Short-stack.": You may become so beautiful and perfectly sculpted that you alienate your old friends who now seem shamefully puny and insignificant.

Oreck XL©
"Winning Solution!": Yeah, you know what the XL stands for. If you want your dong to be huge, but not so huge that a 75 year old man can’t lift it with one hand, this little bargain is for you. Call now.
"Lilliputian.": A 75-year-old man can lift it with one arm.

Valtrex©
" ;---) ": You’ll ride bikes, run on the beach, and unless you screw it up somehow, get laid.
" :-( ": It’s a Brand New Day©, but you still have herpes.

10 Things that Happened on My Birthday and What That Says About Me

2007-09-15T17:09:00.000-04:00

I, Aaron Rupert Raff IV, strongly believe, without the faintest shadow of the flimsiest doubt, that everything happens for a reason, and that Jesus will return once society is perfect and free from sin (or December 12, 2012, whichever comes first), and also that if you love someone you should tell them. I also believe in introspection, which means looking inside yourself (not literally, unless you're a girl) in order to find who you are and where you came from.

Here are 10 Historical Things that Happened on my birthday and what they say about me and how they contributed to the creation of the collection of atoms people refer to as Aaron Rupert Raff IV.

I got this shit off of Wikipedia.

March 31st, 1492 - Queen Isabella of Castille orders her 150,000 Jewish subjects to convert to Christianity or face expulsion.
I think this shows how, when I feel like something just isn't right with my surroundings and its bugging me, I don't just sit around and mope. I tell people what to do and where to go to make me happier.

March 31st, 1885 - The United Kingdom establishes a protectorate over Bechuanaland.
It's weird cuz for some reason, every time someone talks shit on Bechuanaland, I get all flustered and wanna protect it.

March 31st, 1889 - The Eiffel Tower is inaugurated.
Giant iron phallus. "Nuff said" doesn't even scratch the surface.

March 31st, 1903 - Richard Pearse made the worlds first powered flight; after flying a few hundred metres he crashed into a hedge.
My life philosophy: Aim for the stars, for if you miss, you will surely land in hedge, thus making it a humiliating, but not fatal failure.

March 31st, 1917 - The United States takes possession of the Danish West Indies and renames the territory the U.S. Virgin Islands.
Cuz Indies sounds too much like Undies and I-- I mean We-- wanted to restore the islands' dignity by calling them Virgins. That's just the kind of guy that I am. I mean, that's just me.

March 31st, 1931 - An earthquake destroys Managua, Nicaragua, killing 2,000.
Ugggh, Yes! This gave me my bloodlust and sexual potency.

March 31st, 1942 - In World War II, Japanese forces invade Christmas Island.
Another example to explain my unbridled destructive rage, and why I fucking hate Christmas so much and wanna kill it.

March 31st, 1968 - President Lyndon Johnson announces he will not run for re-election.
...realizing that I'd be born 18 years later and just vote against him anyway.

March 31st, 1970 - Eight terrorists from the Japanese Red Army hijacked Japan Airlines Flight 351 at Tokyo International Airport, wielding samurai swords and carrying a bomb.
And this is why I like video games.

March 31st, 1986 - A Mexicana Boeing 727 en route to Puerto Vallarta erupts in flames and crashes in the mountains northwest of Mexico City, killing 166.
...Most likely caused by the psychological shockwave resulting from my brain leaving the protective confines of my mother's womb. Lo siento, party people.

Eating Complimentary Pickles on a Science Barge

2007-09-15T16:28:00.000-04:00

My older snister Ivy lives in Astoria, NY, a humble seafaring community specializing in ass stores. She found hersnelf in Astoria one day when a band of robber barons mistook her for a pot of potted pottery and implanted her in a makeshift cubicle on the corner of Mean Streets and Adventure Avenue. You can find her to this very day finding merry ways to canoodle with cannolis and noodles of every ilk, but never mixed with milk unless the plate is washed and left for 3 hours of more. For more information, dial a phone to the bleet of your own fart set free of thousands of those bondages which only a person of her young age can still appreciate.

This Video Makes So Much Sense It Hurts

2007-08-25T19:34:00.000-04:00

Click To Play

Animals are So Weird. You're not going to look twice because you've seem them on Animal Planet a million times, and so on, but really. Observe this footage I took at Lion Country Safari in Florida, a drive-thru zoo. You will (probably not) notice (but I will argue that) all animals, well all Mammals, at least, are really just 'humans' like us, but stretched into different shapes and dumbed down a little bit. Watch them DANCE.

To all the doubters and also to Derek

2007-08-25T19:23:00.000-04:00

This foe dough is dedicated to Derek Scott Butvin, Duke of Butvin, IL and marks the occasion of him adding a link to this blahg on his Faceboog profile. A thousands thanks and a hundred high fives and twenty high sixes to Derek for making me feel alive for the very first and a half time.

From Athens With Sexually Transmitted Love

2007-06-10T06:51:00.000-04:00

Click To Play

There's a girl named Stefani who never truly gets what she really really wants. So in this video I kind of give her what she kind of wants.

Got Caught Animating

2007-06-10T02:26:00.000-04:00

Click to Kill

This is a short cartoon (AKA a 'cart') made by May Flam and myself starring May Flam as the voice of "May Flam." It won both the Alamo Drafthouse Open Screen Night and the Texas Travesty Film Festival, So if you don't think it's funny...well, I guess that's legit since those prizes don't mean shit. It's called "I Wanna Be A Soldier" and boy is it deep.

From Deutschland With Gloves

2007-06-09T13:25:00.000-04:00

Click To Playzenfleigendorf

Greetings Birthlings. I'm going to use this blahg to post all of my videos because, derr, everybody who is a total masturbator has a blog. I'm going to release them in intervals so it looks like I just started making them and that I can just release these genius things every couple weeks or so, even though they're all already made and they're all not genius at all really.

The first video is called "This Gives Me Many Angers" and it stars Mathias Hildman, the most handsome girl in all of Doucheland. It also stars em-mwah playing a total nerd. Getting into character was pretty difficult, obviously. JK! I'm like a total nerd. Haha: Blogs are so freaking revealing.